who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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