Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
