There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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