When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
