i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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