I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
