I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize