Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize