guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
