laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
