ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
