once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
