you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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