Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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