we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sext me about skeletons
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
