you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
