Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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