2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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