highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
