we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I look better un-naked...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
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