In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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