Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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