Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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