God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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