it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize