I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
two words...techno handjob
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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