I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
