we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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