k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
