you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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