If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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