Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
