i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
