I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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