Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
