i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
