I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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