I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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