I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
