Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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