Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
