it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
