My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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