So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize