hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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