apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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