Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
