ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Damn victory sex feels great
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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