Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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