I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I am one with the molecules
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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