No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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