i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
