Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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