3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
We named our party play list daddy issues
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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