come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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