my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
