If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
