I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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