your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
