My liver just broke up with me...
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
